Gunhild Archer, counselor

Lately I have been thinking about the misconceptions people have about therapy. The biggest one I’ve observed so far is that people think they can, by going to therapy, magically avoid different aspects of reality (I used to believe therapy would help me stop having negative feelings). Needless to say, therapy can become extremely painful when that’s what you’re trying to achieve.

Many of those who come to work with me start sessions believing they can create a life free of discomfort, conflicts, they can avoid losing relationships, or that they never have to own up their wrongdoings. Before you feel the shame arise, along with the urge to defend yourself… I started therapy that way too.  I had an unrealistic idea of what life could be. I think most of us have illusions, maybe not about what life CAN be, but about what life must be before we get to live the potential. I think we don’t realize the state we are in, the level of trauma and social conditioning (one could argue they go hand in hand) we are caught in. 

Life is a lot more real than you think.

Healing comes in so many shapes and forms. You might need something entirely different than the person sitting next to you in the waiting room. I have shifted a lifelong pattern in one session with a practitioner I never worked with before, and I needed to work with the same practitioner for multiple years to change other patterns. What you need depends on a number of factors.

I don’t think anyone can avoid looking at their deep-seated beliefs about the main aspects of life: meaning, love, freedom, abundance, relationships, belonging, and last but not least, yourself. 

The biggest part of healing, in my eyes, is about your relationship with yourself. Without the “right” (whatever that is to you) relationship to yourself, you will struggle to navigate life in a way that serves your best interest.

Some big beliefs people have that makes them seek out therapy, is that therapy can help them learn how to avoid upsetting their partner, stop having conflict, avoid any form of discomfort or tension, stop being afraid, to not disagree, never experience situations when you aren’t close and connected… 

People think, if they go to therapy, they will be able to act in a way that makes them and their partner always feel like they like each other, that other people will always validate and agree with them, they think they won’t be challenged or questioned, and avoid the unpleasant shameful feeling of being in the wrong and/or hurting their partner… 

I think a lot of people associate therapy with feeling understood and being validated. I know many people whose experience with therapy was just that, “I understand”, “of course you feel that way”, and “you have every right to”. As you should. Most of us need an authority figure to understand and validate our experience, it’s a missing experience, and a crucial part of healing.

What often comes as a shock is when your therapist starts to challenge your beliefs. They won’t challenge YOU, they will challenge your beliefs, but it won’t feel like they are… It will feel like they are attacking YOU. You no longer feel like they are an ally. Instead, you start to see them in the same light as you saw previous authority figures like your parents, teachers, or a coach. This is when my clients usually experience feeling belittled, humiliated, they feel ashamed, small, powerless, and if they feel safe enough, anger will come up. The impulse to push me away will likely be strong and hard to control (hopefully the client will voice how they feel so we can consciously give them the experience of pushing me away). 

I don’t know how many times I have been on the giving end of questioning and/or challenging a belief, and it always triggers the client. Equally, I can’t count the number of times I have been on the receiving end of being challenged (I mean, my beliefs have been challenged). We are sensitive when it comes to being questioned. Personally, I make it mean that I’m wrong and have to give up my perspective (which is painful (it’s also impossible, although some of us make a really good effort trying)).

If I was only validated, or as a practitioner, always validated, what will happen? If you come to me with the experience that no one loves you, you tell me “The universe hates me, life is so unfair, I will never experience love, I hate that everyone else is happy, life is so easy for everyone else”… Of course I will validate how you feel. Your experience is real. At some point, that experience WAS your life. Do I agree with what you’re saying though, that you will never experience love, no one loves you, that life is easy for everyone else, and everyone (except you) are happy? No.

A part of my job is to show you what’s possible, that different experiences are waiting for you, and to give you some of those experiences. When I question your beliefs it’s not equivalent to “you’re wrong”, what I’m saying is: “yes (!), that was your experience, AND something different is waiting”. I’m here to bridge the gap.

I want you to have better, but it doesn’t mean I’m not ok with where you are. I don’t need you to be anywhere else but right here. When I question your beliefs and you feel like I don’t love you, it’s the marks of the trauma you experienced.

You: “no one will ever love me”. 

Me: “I understand you feel that way, it makes sense given what you went through. Are you open to it being true that someone might love you?”.

You: “don’t say that. No one loves me, you don’t care, you don’t love me”.

Me: “I love you”. 

Listen… You are right to feel like no one will ever love you. That part of you, the one who believes no one will ever love him, I love him. How do you feel about him? Do you think it’s possible for him to experience love? If your answer is no, why?

Feeling like you are not loved and wanted as you are when I want you to have something better, you feeling like I’m trying to change you or that you are not good enough, that’s the effect trauma has on us. When I want you to experience love, it doesn’t mean you have to stop feeling like no one loves you. I’m not asking you to be less, to feel less, to change how you feel, or to stop being who you are. I’m asking you to open up to another possibility, a different situation… I want to open up and introduce MORE. It’s ok to feel like no one loves you, AND entertain the idea that someone might actually love you. If I have done my job, you should leave the session having tasted love. How? You have to book a session to experience it.