I was just watching a video of Gabor Maté, he was asked how he found compassion for the animals that perpetrated the attack on 7th of October. His reply was thorough, lengthy, and calm, but he also ended his response by saying: “You are not hearing what I’m saying. I will tell you why… It’s because you live in your own bubble”. As soon as he said it, I started to feel uncomfortable. I felt bad for her, the woman who asked the questions. Thoughts were running through my mind. How could he confront her like that? In a public setting, nonetheless.
The discomfort made me question myself. Why was I siding with her – the woman who thought people were animals. She probably wanted them dead, all of them. Why did I want to spare her from the discomfort of being questioned? I mean, she was in the wrong. You don’t call someone an animal. Her attitude needed to be corrected. It’s not healthy. It’s ignorant. I know we can believe what we want to believe, but it doesn’t mean it should go unchecked. It doesn’t mean the surroundings can’t voice how they feel.
My mind kept running… The man I had sex with after my 7-year break, he was married. Married, with three kids. Back then I didn’t feel bad about what he was doing. Now though, a year later, I feel disgusted. How can he cheat on his wife? It’s appalling. I wasn’t the first woman he cheated with either. All of a sudden, I’m asking myself “Why should he be spared?”. Why should I keep his secret. Why should he be free from facing his actions?
I question why I feel so strongly about making him face the consequences. I figure it’s connected to me and my story. My parents. As I have gotten a stronger sense of autonomy, it makes sense to feel a need for justice. It makes sense to see this new perspective, that saying what I think and feel, what my experience is like, is just that – a statement of ME. I’m not attacking someone. I’m not blaming someone. I’m not judging someone. It’s simply an expression of what I’m experiencing.
If what I tell you about what I experience makes you feel bad, that’s yours. If I was raped and I named the person who did it, it puts him in a difficult position. Does that mean I should keep quiet, to spare him? It’s similar with my family, or my parents. If I speak about my experience and it’s not always positive… My experience most likely make them feel bad. Isn’t that theirs to have and hold? Of course, as long as I’m not blaming, attacking, shaming etc.
If I was raped and spoke about the situation, including the man who did it, that’s what is – it’s simply me talking about the reality of what happened. He did something to me. He inflicted physical and physiological damage. If I speak about my experience and his feelings get hurt from hearing about what he did it means he is having a hard time facing what he did.
If I did something bad, I would do it knowingly of the potential consequences. Of course, I would hope to get away with what I did, who wouldn’t, but if I didn’t and the people affected spoke out… I would see it as their right. If I did something bordering very bad, I would feel ashamed, but that would be mine to feel. In the past I would have lied about what I did, I would make up a less-than-plausible excuse to try to legitimize what I did. Today, I will take ownership. I will let myself feel ashamed, I will try to understand why I did what I did (with understanding comes acceptance), and in the end I would have found a way to live with what I did.
Gunhild Archer, counselor 