Gunhild Archer, counselor

This is going to be a one-thing-follows-the-other, but if you stick with me, maybe you’ll pick up something that can help you next time you’re struggling to navigate a situation and/or choose a direction.

I have met clients who told me they feel like they are the only ones who didn’t get the manual for life. Everyone else got one and were successful in dating, relationships etc., except them.

For me, it’s been the same. I’ve always tried to figure out what the “right” thing is. I always felt like “No matter what I do, I can’t get it right”. Full transparency, it’s still a part of my life until this day. Not in as many areas as before, but in some, with finances/abundance/money being the main one (partnership being a close second).

I think having an understanding of how the world works is necessary to feel somewhat ok in life. You need to understand how things work to be able to affect your situation. It’s similar to playing poker: The more you know about the game, the better your odds are for winning.

Using the analogy of a game, a genuine question arise. What if I don’t want to play? Or… What if I don’t like the game? (Or, what if I don’t like the company in which I belong to, can I change tables?) The answer I have gotten to so far is:

• It’s possible to dislike the game, but it will serve you if you know how to play by the rules.
• You can play the game while simultaneously creating something new. It might be a balancing act, maybe you are ready for it, maybe not – you can also ask yourself if you want to take it on, but nonetheless the option exists.

Next comes: The Different Explanations. We are looking for something to believe in, something that helps us make sense of life. We turn to science, religion, spirituality, God, gods… If you’re good, you’ll go to heaven, if you’re bad, you’ll go to hell. We all choose different sets of dos and don’ts in the hope that it will get us what we want. And people are out there telling you what to do left right and center like their life depends on it. Everyone wants something and trying to make you buy the recipe for “how to get there” is a huge (!) market (hello influx of coaches (many who doesn’t know up from down, sadly)). We want to know how to get what we want. No one should make you feel bad for that.

Some people find relief in getting answers from others, while others, like me, have an innate drive to find their own answers. I don’t know what it’s like to follow the rules given by someone externally, but I can imagine it feels both relieving and also like a burden. Personally, I’ve always (at least for as long as I can remember) struggled to accept or live by the voices of others.

Taking about finding answers begs the question: IS there a “right” answer? Is there something finite we can lean on, or is everything subjective? I don’t, but what I have come to think is that SOME things are finite, or at least it will be perceived as finite by me given my 90+ years life on this Earth (it’s basically nothing). All the rest seems to me more or less subjective. It becomes reality according to what we believe and what lens we see through.

A logical next question regarding the topic of getting what we want… IS life about getting what we want? Maybe it’s not? Would you do anything different if you knew life was not about getting what you want? What would you have to belief to feel a sense of relief? I have come to find a sense of peace in thinking life is about choosing the experiences that calls me. (On a second thought, I think, because I struggled a lot with getting what I want, I’ve changed my mindset from wanting things to wanting self-awareness. Self-awareness is always accessible as it comes through experiencing moments, and so far the moments have kept coming. For someone who struggles with futility, the mindset shift has felt empowering.)

Have you thought about what YOU think life is about?

Having expectations can break you. If you expect yourself to never feel pain, you’ve set yourself up for disappointment. My experience tells me pain is a part of life. It brings me back to what I said before: some things seems to be finite. The surest way to decrease pain (or to experience a different kind of pain, one that is more manageable) is to align your expectations with reality. I think that sets you up for a more enjoyable and relief-filled life.

When you’ve pinned down what life is, for you (and sidenote… Maybe it can change. Maybe life in your adolescence is about something else than life in your thirties or fifties. Or maybe life was always about a certain thing, like experiences, but you have a different perspective and relationship to “experiences” in those different periods of your life), how do you deal with situations in the way YOU want? If you want to feel like you are in control, how do you navigate situations in a way that makes you feel in control?

If I ask you to list your most important values, what would you say? Values are helpful when we’re looking for direction. If you don’t have values, you’ll struggle with making choices. You can write down your most important values and see if it does something to situations that asks you to choose a direction.

Finding your values might be easy, it might not. What if it takes time, is that a problem? Are you in a rush, or do you have time? There are so many areas of our lives we can slow down and invite in questioning. If you felt overwhelmed by the thought of “finding your values”, you most likely have a belief about what’s a useful use of your time. What if you spend the next 10 years uncovering your values, can that be ok? The hurry, rush, being someplace else, improve, grow, excel, rising to the top… The culture is so strong. Nature moves in cycles, what if we do too?

Knowing why you want what you want, or why you choose what you choose, seems to be a requisite for a life worth living. In the spirit of questioning everything, yes, I’ve asked myself if we are better off knowing what we want – if it serves us to become aware. No matter how much I think about it, I can’t come up with a situation where awareness isn’t ultimately in your favor.

I don’t have as much morality as others. When trying to navigate a situation, morality is not part of the equation. Norms aren’t as well, not for me. You can make a choice to act morally, maybe that’s part of YOUR “manual for life”, maybe it serves you. Personally, I’m aware of what the majority will see as the “right” choice. I’m also aware of what I expect of myself; my internalized norms, but I choose to make choices according to my values and what I want to experience in that moment. Maybe you’re asking yourself how we can have a functioning society if everyone do as they want. It’s a good question. How can we?

In every situation you are free to choose YOUR direction. You can also choose to be considerate towards others. (Is it the end of the world if you aren’t? How much positive difference can it make to consider someone?) I believe life becomes easier for everyone involved when you are responsible for what you want. If you took it upon yourself to truly go for what you want, no one would be put in the position to sacrifice themselves for your sake, nor would you do things you don’t want to do (I never want you to do something for me, or with me, that you don’t want to do).

No one can tell you what to do. I mean, technically they can, but in the end you are the one responsible for living your life. Live it according to YOUR taste. Live it in a way that YOU are able to live with, or even better, in a way that makes you love yourself.