Gunhild Archer, counselor

Do you want to know something I learned recently?

That it’s ok to be attracted to someone.

You know that feeling when you look at someone and feel a warm rush of excitement, and thinking about getting to know them makes your body tingle?

That desire, yearning to get to know them, I’m allowed to want that.

Maybe you’re thinking “Well, of course? Why wouldn’t it be ok?”.

Being attracted to someone is a given. For most people it doesn’t even make sense to talk about whether or not you’re ALLOWED to feel attracted, but if it was up for discussion, OF COURSE everyone is allowed to desire another person! Yet, something in me told me I wasn’t.

Looking back, I realize I have always felt ashamed of being attracted to someone, I just wasn’t aware.

The realization came to me only recently, after asking someone out. He was younger. Young enough to make me feel ashamed due to the age gap alone. If it hadn’t been for the additional shame I don’t think I would have become aware that I felt ashamed in the first place.

Isn’t it crazy? I felt ashamed simply because I wanted to get to know someone.

When I started looking into what was underneath the shame, do you know what I found?

“Me? Interested in someone? This ugly, disgusting, tainted, unwanted, despicable, unworthy, “who do you think you are”, low self-esteem, insecure, off-putting, broken, damaged, weak…” Imagine a different creature, a gremlin-looking creature, trying to fit into and be part of the life humans live. No one wants to be around the creature, their faces scrunch with disgust if it attempts to come close. That’s the definition of having a shame-based personality. I feel so undesirable that I don’t even consider myself an equal to other people, I see myself as less than them.

Hello shamed based personality…

I used to believe that the only time it was ok to show interest was if I had deducted, somehow figured out, read the signals accurately, deciphered, that he was also interested. Every word he said, every question he asked, was reviewed, reflected upon, felt into, subjected to scrutiny…

Do you know what happened that made me aware of the part that thought I wasn’t allowed to be interested? After I had asked him out and he declined, I caught myself arguing. I was listing reasons why I thought he had been interested. I was defending myself… The fact that it was defending myself meant that there was an antagonist – internally, someone I was defending myself from. That someone was berating me, like an inner critic just more degrading and mean. She didn’t like being rejected, it brought up the feeling of being a disgusting and despicable person. If she berated me maybe I would stop showing interest, problem solved.

“I thought he liked me.”

How many times have I heard that sentence uttered from the tongue of woman? A million times, must be. It’s also a sentence that doesn’t make sense. Your interest doesn’t hinge on his interest. Your interest stands alone. MY interest stands alone, it exists as its own experience. It doesn’t require approval from someone else, or reciprocity. It’s not shameful. That being said, I can see how I came to believe it to be shameful. My mom crumbled in the face of my feelings towards her – my love for her. She felt deeply ashamed and projected that shame onto me. She shamed me for wanting her, for wanting to be close to her, to have a relationship with her, for loving her and wanting her to love me back… It made me feel like I was inherently unwanted.

But nothing is wrong. I’m ok. And even if I’m unlovable, I’m not.