Gunhild Archer, counselor

Some people will look at this and see yet another picture of me crying.

I’ll usually get a message or two asking, “Why are you always sad”, “Why are you still sad”, or “Can’t you move on?”.

While it is true that I post more pictures of me sad than happy, it doesn’t mean I am always sad. It’s true though that I’m often sad, at least for now, but don’t get it mixed up with “always” or “forever”. I’m curious why you would like me not to be, and don’t say it’s for my sake. Sadness is a beautiful feeling, I love sadness. Most times when I wish I wasn’t sad is when people make it clear that don’t want me to be sad, typically by saying something like “Why are you always sad”.  I of course also have moments when I’m tired of being sad, when there has been too much sadness and no room to breathe. In those moments I wish for a break, or that my life was easier.

It shows a lack of emotional understanding when we make “being sad for a longer period of time” means being “stuck” or “not moving on”. Moving ON means moving THROUGH. I’m not saying it’s not possible to get stuck, you can. Creating resistance is a good first step.

Any time you tell someone they shouldn’t feel the way they feel you are making it harder for the feeling to run its course and thus you achieve the opposite of what you initially wanted, for the person to “get over it”.   

In this period of my life, I AM sad a lot of the time. Or in other words: Yes, I am STILL sad. Those people who respond to sadness by saying “Are you still sad?”, do they think they are the one who decides “enough is enough”? If that’s the case, I assume they are ok with other people telling them what to do too, or…?

If someone can decide when “enough is enough”, what does it mean practically? Does “Are you still sad” work in the same way as “Abracadabra” and as soon as the words are uttered the feelings cease to exist?

Personally, I have tried to “Abracadabra” myself, and it never truly worked. I buried the feelings, sure, but did they become gone – no.

Don’t you agree that sadness is a response to something sad? I don’t know about you, but there’s not a lack of sad things happening lately.

If your heart is not closed, seeing someone in pain will touch you and sadness is one of multiple natural emotional reactions.

Personally, my childhood wasn’t the best and its effects are sadly reaching into my adult life. I’ve been in therapy since I was in my early twenties (my first time was at 11 when I was seeing a child psychologist). I’ve spent years learning about myself as well as how to connect with myself, and do you know what happened? I faced aspects of myself that had been long forgotten. I learned the extent to which (1) I had pushed myself away, (2) there were circumstances that made me push myself away, and (3) I deserved circumstances that accepted who I was. It brought sadness. Deep sadness… Often unconsolable sadness.

There is a lot of sadness, but it’s not all there is, and it’s not forever.

Facing myself is not a one-time thing, especially if your childhood wasn’t the best. You’ve pushed away not just one, but countless aspects of yourself, and if you’re like me you’re dedicated to bringing them all home. For me, that means keep encountering new layers of realizing “I pushed myself away, that makes me feel sad”, “there were circumstances in place that made me push myself away – that’s heartbreaking and it makes me sad”, and “I deserved circumstances that accepted the totality of who I was, I lost a whole lot growing up, that makes me sad”.

I don’t see myself getting to a place where I no longer. I hope I get to a place where life has more joy, but at the same time, I don’t need to feel less sad. Sadness has its own beauty, just like all the other emotions. I find every feeling intriguing, they offer different experiences, make my life richer, and they make me feel more alive.

If you are one of those who rarely cry or feel sad. Maybe you are less open to being affected by life, people around you, and situations you experience? Maybe you live life with your heart more closed. It’s ok if you do, I’m not judging (on some days I do, but not now, not in this post). Maybe you had a positive, or mostly positive, childhood, maybe you didn’t have to reject parts of yourself to be loved. Or maybe you did reject parts of yourself, but you aren’t aware yet. If you’re living in a state of unconscious self-rejection, you won’t necessarily be sad until the self-abandonment is brought to your awareness (or you might feel sad most of the time, but you have no idea why).

It’s up to you what kind of relationship you want to have with your feelings, if you want to go looking for them, reconnect and befriend them, or if you want to continue telling abandoning them.

In the end, your feelings are you.

If you are in touch with yourself, feelings are normal because YOU are normal.