Gunhild Archer, counselor

Ironically, me, with my ever-lasting message of “embrace your truth”, is trying surprisingly hard to be palatable.

To not upset.

To not say anything that can backfire.

To not say something that can be taken personally (especially by people I know (or clients)).

To not create resistance.

I feel like I should bring optimism and positivity.

I shouldn’t take my grievances out on people. No one likes a negative person, future (and current) clients will feel appalled, and it’s not like people have done anything to deserve it.

IF I’m vocal about what I dislike, I expect people to take it personally. I don’t believe I’m allowed to have negative feelings about anything. If I do, I expect to be told “I have to understand” (as if understanding negates how I feel).

I don’t want to restrict myself. I want to be allowed not to like everything. I want to be allowed to dislike, judge. If I don’t allow myself to be “ugly”, I remain a prisoner. I don’t want to expect to be liked for what I’m about to express so I’m not going to. Instead, I’m invoking “sending it to hell in a handbasket”.

I hate people who are caught in societal standards and do what everyone else does. I don’t know if they don’t know how to question themselves or if they don’t care.

I hate weak people and people who lack conviction. And people who could do better but choose not to.

I hate the lack of integrity and creativity on social media. People regurgitate opinions. They don’t search for, and offer, their own truth. People can’t back up what they’re saying, yet they’re saying it with their chest.

I hate that everyone is doing the same 15-slide-carousel trend or made a “black lives matter” because of peer pressure, they don’t want the backlash if they DON’T post it. You can’t be that spineless and let other people dictate what you should and shouldn’t do.

I hate people who make you think they’ve done the work, when they aren’t close to knowing what it means to see and connect with other people, let alone to themselves.  

I hate people who complain about the same thing yet never do anything to change it. And people who sacrifice, just to sulk and complain behind people’s backs.

It’s not comfortable being truthful about disliking those things. Some days I hate them with intensity, other days I find them off-putting, sometimes disgusting, and other times appalling. I find myself wanting to soften my message. There’s an urge to make it clear that I understand why people jump on trends, don’t want to stand out or take action, and I do. I the internal judgement: “You shouldn’t use social media to release your feelings, you should process your feelings by yourself”. Growing up, it was never an option to feel your feelings, I was told to stop complaining and “do something about it”. It’s a practice to let myself feel the way I feel and not jump on the I-should-do-something train, but here I am, sitting in the discomfort of NOT liking everything when my survival USED TO depend upon liking EVERYTHING.