Gunhild Archer, counselor

If you saw someone struggling to fix the engine of their broken-down car, silently cursing and sweating, refusing anyone’s help, and if you suggested calling for a tow truck – they wouldn’t hear it…

You would probably think they have a hard time accepting help. Maybe you will feel sorry for them, or maybe judgement is the first to show up (I can imagine myself mumbling “classic example of fragile ego”). If you’re curious, you’ll probably ask what made them that way (I’m curious, I would definitely come up with a few educated guesses). If you have enough hours of therapy under your belt you might think to yourself “toddler stage”.

So many people act like the car guy, they struggle in silence, don’t ask for help, minimize their own pain, brush it off hoping it will “solve itself”, and judge themselves as weak for even considering asking for help.

If you want to explore your relationship to help, here is some food for thought: (You can book a session if you want my help to gain clarity, or you can your journal and explore on your own, whatever feels more nourishing.) 

Who told you it’s not ok, or even shameful, to ask for help? Why is it ok to ask for help when it comes to certain areas of life but not others? (Isn’t it weird how going to therapy is still something we keep to ourselves despite a growing conversation around mental and emotional health? There are weekly columns in the newspaper where experts answer questions about sex, marriage, and children, but going to therapy or talking about going to therapy – no.)

Do you judge others when they ask for help? If you don’t judge others but you judge yourself, how come?

We are not filled with shame when we send our car to service but to ask for help when it comes to ourselves or interpersonal problems, that makes us feel awkward. Why?

If you think you will get judged for getting help, what do you think people would say?

What about YOU… Would YOU judge yourself for getting help? Do you feel weak if you ask for help? Does it make you feel angry if you can’t do it by yourself? Would people think less of you? It’s ok to feel that way, I’m not asking you to wave a magic wand and suddenly you’re running to get help. I’m asking you to see what’s there.

Personal opinion… If I judge you for getting help/therapy… I have a problem. You know the phrase “That’s a you-problem”? ME having a problem with YOU getting help is a ME-problem. I don’t doubt people have reasons for NOT wanting someone to get help. If I get something from you being in the position you are in, you getting help means I risk losing that… If I’m not conscious (or if I don’t care) I might take it out on you. That means, what was originally a ME-problem is now YOUR problem. That’s not the way it should be though, I’m responsible for meeting my needs in a way that doesn’t encroach on you. If it happens, you are allowed to draw a line. You don’t have to allow people to take things out on you. In fact, I don’t want you to send people the message that they can do that and not suffer the consequences. 

Anyways…

People often tell me they are not happy. They can’t be honest about how they feel with their friends, they feel like failures because they don’t have a partner, they don’t like how they look but lack motivation to eat healthier or work out, they are fed up with their career etc. I can help find a sustainable solution that doesn’t feel like pulling teeth (honestly, I can find a solution that feels exciting), but if I suggest that, they tell me “It’s not THAT bad”.

What’s far enough? Where is the line that screams “it’s THAT bad!”? When you get to that line, will ask for help? If you’re like me you will get to the line, pretend you don’t see the line, cross it (pretend you’re not crossing it), tell yourself “weeell… It’s not THAT bad…”, and then you’ll keep going.

Why do we jump over a thousand hoops when we could just ask for help and start feeling better?

You deserve help. There is nothing shameful about getting help. If you were taught otherwise, know that not everyone shares your rules. My ex was a BIG proponent of help. Every time I was in tears after trying to do it myself, he would tell “How else are you going to get better if you don’t ask for help?”. In his world, asking for help was a given, it was the smart thing to do.

Most of us weren’t taught how to love ourselves. We don’t know our truth or how to live in accordance with it. We also don’t know how good relationships can be. We don’t know how to have a loving relationship with ourselves. We have SO much to learn if we want to live rich, nourishing, zestful, and delicious lives!

In my world, there’s no shame in wanting to learn! Learning should be encouraged. It’s never too late to learn. Curiosity is a super enjoyable state. If I can give you anything, I would give you permission to be curious, ask questions, and be interested!