Gunhild Archer, counselor

Your intentions make healing a nuanced endeavor

I don’t like the idea that you have to “work on yourself” so that…

I have spent years working on myself so that I could attract the right partner, align with the right business opportunity, attract the right clients, get out of scarcity mindset to become financially free etc. I thought I could make myself into someone whom everything fell into place around… If I just created alignment, released trauma, shifted my mindset etc.

I don’t know exactly how the universe works but working on myself SO THAT has never worked. Instead of bringing me closer to what I wanted, it kept me in a perpetual state of chasing, trying, and effort…

Working on yourself is a nuanced business (this is where unrooted spiritual people will tell me not to call it “work” because “work” carries negative associations and suggest I replace the word “work” with “exploration”). Of course, taking on new perspectives or shifting old ones is perfect and it helps, just as releasing unfelt feelings and healing trauma. Changing how you feel about commitment might be what makes you meet your next partner, just as healing a core wound can completely shift the way you feel about love.

That being said…

I want you to see what I see. Most people, like me, believe that they have to work on themselves SO THAT. Like me, they work on themselves to be a person worthy of love, abundance, and a home with delicate and clean aesthetics. Even after discovering that they are trying to mold themselves into someone worthy of love and vowing to see themselves as ALREADY worthy… They swear to continue the work BECAUSE they love themselves, but the unworthiness exists at our core and subconsciously creeps back in. Suddenly, the act of validating your feelings is a subtle attempt to make sure you are not a burden to those around you.

I see people who are constantly running, they are in a perpetual state of trying, doing, and fixing. It’s too frightening to BE. They fear that what they feel, the experience they are having, is too much, too demanding, it will be too time-consuming, they are too difficult, too emotional etc. I’m no different. I still sooth myself so I won’t be too much for my friends or partner. Of course, that’s not what I think I’m doing. I think I’m acknowledging my feelings to teach myself that I’m allowed to feel the way I do.

I will share an example…

When I feel unbearably lonely, my intention is to be present with myself and the inherent pain of feeling alone. I want to be there in the same way I would want to be there for a friend or someone I care about; I want to feel like time ceases to exist; I want to be filled with joy because I get to get to know you. Sometimes I am, I’m genuinely and unconditionally present. Other times I subconsciously want the feeling to be more bearable, and I sit with myself so that the pain will pass… Yet other times I reach out to someone in the hopes of being seen and getting connection, which sometimes helps, and other times makes me feel even worse.

What I know softens the pain of being alone and is something you have full control over is to show up for yourself. (Not saying connection with others isn’t needed.) By getting to know your loneliness, meeting the rejected parts of yourself, and (practicing) relating to your feelings and yourself in a way that makes you feel loved, you are giving yourself the experience of connecting. Establishing connection with the rejected parts of yourself gives you an imprint of what safe and loving relating feels like. It gives you connection while at the same time building discernment when it comes to what kind of people you want to connect to.

I don’t like the energy I tend to feel in statements like “You have to be your own best friend to attract a best friend” or “If you stop rejecting yourself you will magically stop attracting people who rejects you”. I hope you want to connect with yourself for the sake of enjoyment, not as a means to avoid the inherent emotionality of being alive.

I don’t like statements that makes you think you can stop feeling your feelings, like “Connect with your rejected parts and stop feeling lonely”. Connecting with the rejected parts of yourself will establish a foundation of security, it will make you feel like you are worthy of connection, but it won’t make loneliness cease to exist.

I don’t want you to connect with yourself in order to connect with others, but rather to enjoy connecting with yourself while simultaneously knowing it is showing you what safe connection feels like.

In my experience, connecting with others won’t feel fully fulfilling unless people are able to touch you, and you are the one setting the precedence by experiencing that connection with yourself.

You don’t have to eradicate fear of intimacy to meet the love of your life. Connecting to yourself from a place of wanting to, creates security in your own system. You will start to a experience a more positive attitude to intimacy.

You don’t have to fully love yourself to experience a loving relationship. Connecting to yourself because you want to, helps you experience what it means to be loved. Loving yourself changes everything.  

You don’t have to stop being avoidant or anxiously attached to meet a committed partner. Connecting with yourself because you want to, shows you that safety is possible, which will help you feel more at ease both in general and in relationships.

You don’t have to perfectly articulate your feelings from a calm, regulated, compassionate, and understanding place to have a partner who is able to receive you when you’re triggered. In my experience, the more we show up for ourselves with compassion and understanding, the more we will understand that we’re not asking too much when we want a partner who can stand with us in the storm.

We can be imperfect and be loved.

We can let go and be held.

We can lose control and be safe.

I want you to break free from the idea that you have to show up SO THAT you can get what you want. I want you to experience what it’s like to enjoy being there with and for yourself, not to get something or achieve something, but because you want to.