Gunhild Archer, counselor

I want and need this to stand as it is. In a way it’s a “I dare you to sit with what I’m feeling”, but first and foremost I’m asking myself to sit with an important aspect of my truth.

I don’t want reactions like “but…”, “what about…”, “shouldn’t you…” or “think about…”. Those reactions are already an ingrained part of how I react to my truth and I want to take a stand against the conditioning that taught me to silence myself. My upbringing taught me to not acknowledge my true reactions, instead I was made to be understanding and/or give excuses to people’s behavior. I was never taught that my reactions were valid, and that that could coexist with there being understandable reasons behind peoples’ actions. I also never learned that although I understand someone’s behavior, it doesn’t mean I have to accept it. 

Once upon a time 500 years ago, Sultan Suleiman the Magnificent reigned the Ottoman Empire. That’s the series I’m currently watching, “Magnificent Century”. It’s giving history and drama in a chefs-kiss-mix, and at the same time, I’m furious about the way men treat women. I’m tempted to soften my feelings by saying things were different back then, but if I compare my experiences with the experiences women had back then, is it really true?

The Sultan has a harem… He took women by force, or bought them from other men who had taken them by force, and brought them to the palace where he lived. The women (slaves aka “concubines”) were expected to comply with any order imposed on them. Not just that, they were expected to be grateful to serve the Sultan. In fact, they should see it as an honor to be chosen. Living in the harem of course meant you could be offered to the Sultan for sex for as many nights they (the leader of the harem, the Sultans mom, or the Sultan himself) saw fit and you had to comply (and of course serve with pleasure).

Do what others want and do it as if you were the one wanting to do it.

The Sultan’s “subjects” (that’s what they called laymen) were expected to do what they were told, whether they were given orders by the Sultan himself, or anyone in his close circle… The women in the harem were constantly given orders that could get them into trouble (life back then was a constant power game). If they didn’t do as they were told, they were punished. If they got caught, they were punished.

Even if you know you will get in trouble you have to keep going because you will be punished for saying no.

The women in the harem were not allowed to sleep with anyone but the Sultan. Their sex life was completely at the mercy of a man. If he never chose you, you died untouched, a virgin. You were basically screwed if you want kids. If he didn’t want you in the harem anymore, he would marry you off to someone he saw fit and all of a sudden you are forced to have sex with someone you never asked to have sex with.

You exist at the convenience of men.

A married man gets his eye on woman who is not his wife… He threatens, or order her, to have sex with him… Who took the punishment if someone found out? The woman. What happened if she refused to satisfy him? She was punished.

You don’t have agency. What you want is not part of the picture.

A single woman who got raped was blamed for having sex without being married… The man would also be punished, but the fact that she was punished in the first place is beyond what I’m able to comprehend.

Punished by men for being hurt by men.

The way men picked the woman they wanted to marry. It could be clear as day that she didn’t want to marry him, but he didn’t care. As long as he got what he wanted, everything was fine.

The unsafety of living in a world were men, your greatest sense of protection, purposefully and with force goes against your best interest.

I think it’s appalling, the way men feel entitled to do what they want with a woman, like women are property. The fact that men don’t see her as someone whose truth and voice matters… It’s chilling that he can knowingly inflict harm without caring. Sometimes it feels like she isn’t even a living breathing thing, she is nothing more than something without a pulse, something you pick up and use at your convenience, and toss aside when you’re done.

Existing is dangerous.

The predatorial look a man sometimes gets, that turn a woman her into pray… Suddenly she is someone to be used to satisfy your thirst. In that moment she is a living breathing thing, she is someone with a pulse. She knows that, in order to stay safe, her best bet is to be whatever he wants her to be.

Offer yourself as a means to stay safe.

Almost every man in my life have told me me to restrict myself in some way in order to stay safe from other men, yet they are blind to (1) the times THEY have been the man a woman needed protection from, and (2) all the small ways THEY are not protecting women from THEMSELVES. Men who penetrate without consent, but don’t consider themselves a rapist. Men who don’t take “no” for an answer, but think they are nice guys who only have sex with women who feels “a full yes!”. In my experience, the norm is that men don’t have awareness when it comes to these topics. I think people who could call them out (or in) to help them become aware don’t want to make them feel bad by pointing out the truth.

People would rather men continue to cause harm than face the discomfort of telling them the truth.