Gunhild Archer, counselor

I don’t know about you guys, but I’m tired. 17 days of thought-provoking questions is a bit much, isn’t it? For the last few days, all I wanted was to disconnect and curl up in my big, cozy chair with a feel-good novel and read. The calendar is taking a lot of energy, but yesterday, normal life was demanding too. I don’t know how much you’ve been reading my posts the last few months, but earlier this year I decided to go no contact with my parents. I wanted to remain in the lives of my siblings. We aren’t that much in touch, but having the door open felt good.

(I realize this is going to be a diary entry more than an explanation of the question, that’s a heads up in case you want to x out or scroll on.)

About three weeks ago, my brother invited me and my sisters to Christmas dinner. I said yes, instantly, despite being aware of my feelings. I have a deep desire to belong and be a part of them. It used to be more so connected to my parents and the family as a whole, but my relationship to my parents has changed. With my siblings though, the longing to be part of them is still present. As the Christmas dinner got closer, my reluctant feelings started to show up. I purposefully pushed them down with the hopes that I would be able to keep them at bay until after the dinner. Yesterday morning, the day of the dinner, I was not able to keep them away any more. The resistance was so loud it was unbearable, yet on the other hand, I was being crushed by guilt, fear, and I-don’t-feel-like-I-belong.

I sent an email to my brother and said I couldn’t come. I told him I felt bad as he has kept reaching out and I keep saying yes, but then canceling, and that I wanted to explain what my life had been like and why I kept canceling. He is 10 years younger than me and I’m not sure he knows what our family was like until I moved out. He was so young, and I know he has suppressed a lot. I also don’t know what he knows about what my life was like in my twenties, the in-and-out of therapy, the attempts to improve the relationship with my mom etc. I ended up sending an email that, in a way could be translated to: “I’m really sorry I can’t come, but I’m struggling lately as I’ve been diagnosed with cancer, I love you”, which warrants a response that addresses the cancer diagnosis. His reply simply said “No worries, next time. Love you too”. The lack of acknowledgement has become the hallmark of our family.

I didn’t realize I hoped my siblings one day would want to hear my story and get to know my truth, not until today. When I realized my brother wouldn’t take me up on my bid for a heart-to-heart conversation, I knew I was going to have a hard time. I didn’t know when it would hit, but I knew it was coming. It’s sad that I either “Go and lose myself” or “Don’t go and lose them”, or at least that’s what it feels like. And it’s not just a feeling, if I go, I know I end up giving up my truth.

For the first part of the day, I was ok, but then I got sad. Really sad. Close to unconsolable, although not all the way. I knew I had to sit with what I was feeling and decided to set up the camera to make it easier to stay present. At first when I started recording, I was in touch with self-hate and shame. I felt pathetic for setting up the camera to cry. Eventually, the pain of not being seen for who I am and what I’m going through came up and I sat with an experience I can best describe as “feeling the devastation of being denied existence”. There’s an expectation inside me, telling me I should accept that THEY can’t accept my truth. Somehow, I should be able to LET THEM (hi Mel Robbins) live in their own bubble no matter how it affects me, AND be in relationship with them. The thing I can’t wrap my head around is that being in a relationship requires seeing what is. If we don’t, we aren’t really touching each other, we are just ships passing in the night.

The realizations I had after canceling the dinner and making the video (this is the beauty of expressing feelings, reflecting out loud, and making tough decisions, at least for me):

(1)     If my sister was raped by her husband and our family kept including him and talking to him as if nothing happened, of course my sister would be taken aback. If my family, once in a while, organized an event without inviting her husband, and at those events, everyone acted as if everything was fine – no one were open to talk about what had happened and why they hadn’t stopped engaging with husband/ex-husband/rapist, my sister would think they had lost their minds and stop entertaining them. She would of course also feel betrayed by her siblings for not believing and supporting her. If she could feel that way and she would definitely see her feelings as valid, so could I.

(2)     My Facebook profile, my YouTube account, and my Instagram profile, they are MY corner of the internet. I’m so used to defending myself and who I am that I keep bringing the energy with me in every space I inhabit. I have been given this corner of the internet and I can use it the way that feels meaningful to me. No one is forced to look or engage, it’s your choice to be here (or not), which means I don’t have to keep defending myself.

That’s my diary entry for today, and I’m also curious about today’s question. Do you believe in right or wrong? Who decides what is right and what is wrong?