Gunhild Archer, counselor

~ I’m becoming more private ~

I have less desire to let people into my inner world. I remember one of my therapy sessions, my practitioner (I love him) used the words “inner sanctuary” about the most inner place of my internal world. He said, people pray before entering the sanctuary and they treat the sanctuary as prayer. I used to feel like I should let people in, that if I didn’t willingly let people in, no one would enter the sanctuary. Now, I believe the right person will make me want to let him in. The fear of being alone in my sanctuary is gone, and I feel at peace knowing I can enter the sanctuary and that it feels good to accompany myself in that space.

~ I have less interest in putting in effort ~

I used to put in so much effort. If they weren’t asking questions, I would intensify my effort to keep the conversation going, or if they disengaged, I would pick up what they left to keep myself from experiencing the disconnection. I had to restrain myself from continuing to pick up what they kept letting go off. Now, I no longer want to put in effort to remain connected or be part of someone’s inner world. When they drop the connection, I observe and let the truth sink in. If they wanted to remain connected, they would. I let go and pull my energy back to myself.

~ I’m less inclined to open my mouth and speak ~

I have always been concerned with making other people comfortable, by giving them my attention and starting conversations, it doesn’t matter if we’re familiar or if it’s the first time I see them. I could go to the sauna to relax and leave feeling depleted after spending the entire session listening to a one-way conversation. I can now rest in silence without feeling the urge to initiate conversation. The usual feeling of discomfort is gone, it’s replaced with a state of content calm and observation.

~ The urge to secure the future by doing x, y, and z, has less hold on me ~

I used to live my life according to an extreme level of “shoulds”. I thought I should find a partner, be outgoing (to be wanted by my future partner), be easy going to make friends (I thought I should want lots of friends) etc. I kept reacting to the pressure of doing what I thought I “should” do. Now, my “shoulds” don’t have the same chokehold on me. When it rears it head, I quickly and effortlessly, find my way back to the present moment, and in the present moment I find the true way forward.

~ Arguing myself into doing something I don’t want ~

I’m starting to realize that if I have to argue myself into doing it, I don’t actually want to do it. I start to argue with myself when there’s conflict between what I want and what I think I SHOULD want. I never felt acceptance towards the things I truly wanted, but now – I feel like it’s ok to want what I want, no matter how it’s perceived by others. It’s becoming easy to say no, and unbearable to force.

~ I start to lose interest when a man isn’t aware of himself ~

I used to have an intense wish for relationships to work out. I didn’t even have to meet him, and I was overlooking clear incompatibilities and red flags. Now, a man might look like a 10, but as soon as evades my questions his truth, my attraction drops. I don’t have to make myself stop talking, my interest dries up until there’s no will to keep going.

~ Second (and third, and fourth) chances are being replaced with closed doors and no lingering regret ~

Closing doors used to trigger a painful void of “I’m going to be alone forever”, but now I now feel mostly at peace. My best friend for ten years stopped showing initiative over the last 6 months. Normally I would wait for her to want to come back. This time I closed the door (that was after trying to bring her back twice (it didn’t work), and then amicably telling her I wanted to part ways. After reading her reply, THEN I blocked her. Extreme? Maybe. Correct for me at this point in time? Yes.).