Gunhild Archer, counselor

Story time! NOT brought to you by Tinder, this time it’s coming from… The Sauna!

Earlier this year I decided I want to celebrate every month that marks my birth-date, so today I’ve celebrated 39 and 1 month (I already love my new tradition). My day started with a really good workout, followed by a visit to the sauna, next: an appointment at the hairdresser to get pampered (it was really nice). I wanted alone-time and was hoping to get the sauna to myself, but… There was one other spot reserved. Turned out to be a guy. Man. 54 years old. The sauna has a culture for conversation and he initiated a conversation, so… We started talking.

Him: You look really good. You work out?

Me: I do. Thank you.

Him: A lot, right?

Me: Mhm, yes.

Him: I can tell!

Sir, I hear you! After that, the conversation flowed in different directions (meaning, it flowed in the direction of the questions I asked). I learned that he is on a sabbatical because “he wants to take care of himself” (I think it’s what women would call “me time”). At that point, I had clocked that he was a person I could ask anything, so I entered quiz-mode. He has two kids, met his wife in his late twenties, worked in the army before deciding to work for the private sector… He had been in two reality shows, one called “Love at first sight”. That piqued my interest.

Me: What was the experience like?

Him: Fun! I learned a lot. A memory for life.

Me: Did it work out between the two of you?

Him: No. She looked old. (She was two years younger than him.) Her body… She had the best body of all the women in the show, but her face – she looked old! I can’t take it.

He continues to talk about how women lose their looks at 45. He adds that he tried to make it work, but she was impossible (emphasize on IMPOSSIBLE).

Me: What about her was impossible?

Him: Too materialistic. She probably wanted a Dubai Sheik!

Me: How about your wife, what happened that made you break up?

Him: Actually, it’s a long story. I had a mistress for six months (he casually started with revealing the mistress), she was a coworker, 30 years old, young (!). It’s different when you meet someone who wants to fuck five times a day! We fucked in every room at the office. I woke up feeling like the king of the world, Epstein-feeling (someone, please… Is that a new phrase??), like I could do anything I wanted (at that point, he raised his arms above his head in a victory pose to illustrate the king-feeling, I guess “insert celebration emoji”?). My wife was old (the same age as him, which I pointed out, to which he responded that there were different rules for men and women, whatever that means)… It just wasn’t the same. They (the old women) don’t want to have sex anymore and then menopause and it just doesn’t work.

Me: Did you think about how it affected your wife?

Him: No. I deserved to focus on myself.

Me: How about your kids, did you think about how it would affect them?

Him: It definitely was an experience for them (he made it sound like a trip to the amusement park). My son was upset for a while, but he got over it. Now it’s my daughter who’s upset.

He goes on to tell me he thought they could all be friends after the divorce, but his wife was impossible. “So bitter!”

At this point I’m getting ready to leave, standing, reaching for my towel and bottle.

Him: Are those real?

He looks at my boobs.

Him: Or did you buy them?

Me: … Too small to have been bought, they are mine.

Him: They are perfect.

Me: Eh. Thank you…

Him: Let me know if you want me to join you in the shower.

Let’s just say I declined.

The name of today’s story: Welcome to the Jungle.

Also, did he think he was doing a fine job with the foreplay?

…

Oh, I almost forgot. At some point he asked if I was single. When I said “yes”, he said: “getting lots of sex then?”. Classy!

When I don’t collect memorable conversations, I do sessions. Real, honest, deep looking-at-your-truth kind of sessions. With lots of humor and tons of acceptance. Just in case you want to try.