Gunhild Archer, counselor

I recently discovered that I hold myself to a different set of standards than what I hold the rest of the world to. In my world, I live by a strict set of rules. Everyone else are excused, no matter what they do (literally… Killed someone? “He had his reasons.” Molested a child? “He didn’t know better”). I’m used to condemning myself whilst having understanding towards others.

Everyone is granted leniency. My most used sentence is “I understand”. I accept people for who they are, I believe people are doing their best, I don’t make anyone feel like they aren’t good enough by asking them to be different, I excuses them, I come up with explanations as to why they can’t do better, I let them off the hook (I can’t expect grace if I didn’t give grace first)…

The stickiest belief in all of this is that I feel like telling someone to be better equates to telling them they aren’t good enough.

Me in the other hand, I get zero leniency. I hold myself to high standards; I should be perfect, mistakes are not tolerated (“I should have known better”), mistakes are always followed by an internal wove of never doing it again, my best is not good enough, nothing but flawless is acceptable, and I can always try harder. If I want to expect something from someone else, I sure have to have a flawless track record of doing it myself. I should do my part AND their part. If I CAN do it I SHOULD do it, being tired, worn out, or exhausted, or simply not wanting to, are not valid excuses.

I’m condemned.

They get understanding.

After a long talk with my practitioner, he recommended an experiment. He said “Flip the table”. “Moving forward,” he said, “for a period of time, there’s going to be lots of understanding for you, and no leniency for everyone else”. “For once in your life, YOU get a free pass, THEY get to do the work.” It felt good. I skipped those experiences growing up, the ones where my parents wanted to understand and made an effort to sit with me. The experiment I’m saying yes to is to give myself free passes, wearing leniency as my middle name, and using “I don’t feel like it” as a valid reason… If selfish was a dress, it’s the dress I’m wearing. It’s going to be challenging to hold the discomfort that comes up, and I’m here for it. Not extending leniency, holding people to high standards, and letting everyone else do the effort.

I’m waking up to the fact that I have tried fitting into my mom’s image of what it means to be an adult. My mom’s version of being an adult was meant to serve her. I was expected to

be understanding

give them an out

don’t ask for accountability

let things slide

make every altercation between what I needed and what they couldn’t, or didn’t want to, give, MY fault

make myself the problem and they didn’t have to face themselves.

My parents didn’t to face themselves, they tried to escape from their internal discomfort. They made my Young Self responsible for feeling it, and so she did. She carried what they wouldn’t in the hope that it would give her love.

I want to free myself from carrying what is theirs.

The girl who carried her family’s feelings.

No.

I don’t want to take what belongs to others. In a way it’s not fair, to them. The feelings are crying to be seen and held by the one they belong to; I don’t want to take away their chance to be loved by the one they are longing to be loved by.