Gunhild Archer, counselor

A story of Being Unavailable and its faithful companion Guilt

As the month of Ramadan was coming closer, I decided I wanted to fast from social media and high dopamine videos. I wanted to find back to a place of peace. The videos were quite easy to drop, but fasting from being available was more difficult. It brought up a pretty strong sense of guilt. It’s not exactly a secret that I feel like I have to be there for people the second I sense that they need something. I have known for years I struggle with feeling like I need to make sure everyone else’s needs are met before I can tend to myself, but this month has been a reminder.

The belief that my life is about being what other people need has been deeply ingrained through countless encounters followed by unwanted and, at the time, life threatening, consequences. The surge of fear I experienced as a child when losing connection is still part of me. Imagine being extremely startled and being pumped full of adrenaline… That’s the state I so often find myself in. To avoid coming in touch with the imprint of losing connection, I remain in the fear-driven state where I’m trying to be what everyone needs.

I remember countless situations where my mom asked me to join her on some of her favorite weekend activities, or my dad asking if I wanted to join him running errands, and me (initially) saying “no”… My mom made me feel like I was a disappointment who let her down. She told me she was the only person in the family who made an effort to organize activities for the family, and that I was just like my dad (he was a disappointment too in the sense that he also never wanted to join). My dad would react by a combination of sulking and giving the silent treatment. I had to put so much effort into sweet-talking him to get back into his good grace.

Anyways… During the last month I have been sitting with the guilt instead of letting it run the show. I have held myself and NOT answered messages. It’s been challenging. The guilt is surprisingly strong and has made me want to reach for the “reply” button countless times. I have wanted to message people and at least tell them I can’t reply. I have wanted to apologize for not being available. It’s not necessarily THEY who expect me to reply, although they might, it’s more so that I expect MYSELF to reply. In a way I’m reacting to my own projection when it comes to their expectation. I’ve been in a similar place in the past, and in those situations, I DID tell people I was going to be less available. I thought I would feel less guilty if I managed their expectations, that if THEY were ok with me not replying fast, I would be ok with me not replying fast. I don’t think it comes as a surprise when I tell you it’s not true.

I was sitting with the whole “it doesn’t matter what I do to relieve myself from guilt, the guilt is internal, I need a shift within to be free”, when I realized this is what my childhood must have been like. Not a mental realization, an emotional understanding. I must have had a constant feeling of needing to be there for whatever my parents needed. Wherever I could be, and whatever I could do, to alleviate the situation at hand, whether it was mediating between my mom and sister, or my dad and brother, doing chores to make my mom happy, running errands with my dad so he wouldn’t have to do it alone… I lived for that, being their alleviation. Every time I met their needs, the constant alertness, readiness, and pressure lifted and I experienced a moment of freedom. 

My parents weren’t adults who took responsibility for their own life and experience. Because of them I live with an almost ever-present sense of dread and pressure, similar to how you feel when you “get yourself in the mood” to do something you really don’t want to do. You have to force yourself.

That being said, in some way the hyper vigilance serves me. It gives me a sense of control in the sense that (1) I’m on top of meeting people’s needs (feels safer) and (2) I’m anticipating, braced, and prepared, for what’s coming (feels safer).

So, how do I get to a place where I’m ok letting people be responsible for themselves?

How do I become ok with NOT being the one who fulfill their needs?

How do I feel ok with wanting to put time and energy into certain people and not others?

At first, I thought I had to learn to accept that people would leave. Then I thought I had to accept that people would be upset with me. After that, I had a felt insight… I have to be ok feeling the discomfort of not doing what I have always done. I’m going to go against everything I have learned kept me safe. Of course it’s not going to feel comfortable. I get to pause, feel the discomfort, and hold myself from acting… Then, I get to ask what it is I want. 

After practicing “pause-feel-hold-question” I learned that doing the thing that would alleviate their feelings rarely, if ever, aligned with what I wanted. It helped me continue to hold myself back from alleviating people’s needs. When I was no longer keeping the pattern alive, I made it possible for the underlying painful hollowness to come up, and I quickly became familiar with that part of me. I felt it. I was present to it. I experienced it. I no longer tried to escape it. Now that painful hollowness is a familiar reality (one of multiple). Not a reality I need to change, but one that makes me feel peaceful and present.