Gunhild Archer, counselor

People seek out therapy for a number of reasons; an argument we aren’t able to end, we want to feel better, we don’t like how we feel about someone, we have a bad habit we want to let go of, or we have decided we want something but for some unexplainable reason we can’t seem to get it… We expect therapy to quickly figure out what’s wrong and to give us a solution. Sometimes we are lucky, and the situation has an easy fix, but in most cases you will be asked to dig deeper and unravel underlying motives and ways of thinking, and that’s the solution (or a big part of the solution).

The society you grew up in shies emotions and doesn’t value fostering a deep connection with yourself. If society valued a deep sense of self-connection, the way we organized society would look different, nations would treat each other better, our quality of life would be higher… Since we are not taught to look inwards and remain connected to ourselves, we are unfamiliar with our own psyche’s level of intricacy. We don’t know which factors play a role in setting up the psyche, just like we don’t know what the setup looks like. Most of us don’t know that our system consists of vulnerability, experiences that never got resolved, inner dialogue, protection parts, and defense mechanisms. We also don’t have a conscious relationship with those aspects.

You have been taught a set of rules that are embedded in the fabric of your being; beliefs that help you make decisions. But, but you aren’t aware of what the beliefs are. Imagine being hired for a company that, on your first day, embed you with a sentence or a “code” that affects the way you show up. The code is intended to benefit the company you work for. You’re aware you have an implant, but you have no idea what the “code” is and how it affects your behavior. Everyone walking this planet has a set of code that we’re not aware of yet it affects us on a daily basis. You would be surprised by how many decisions you make based on the hidden beliefs. Beliefs about money/resources/abundance can be established when you are 2 years old. You will have experiences during your teenage years and adult life that will reinforce the beliefs or act as a counterweight to release the power of the belief.

A good practitioner brings awareness to the hidden “code” you are acting out. A good practitioner is also committed to becoming aware of their own code, so it doesn’t negatively impact your relationship or the work you are doing. Bringing awareness to old beliefs as well as introducing new (optional) beliefs, is a major aspect of the therapeutic process. Letting subconscious beliefs remain unchecked will derail the process and/or cause unnecessary pain, while bringing awareness to the old beliefs will create healing. The terms transference and countertransference is worth being aware of as it ties into the topic. I was on my third last therapist when I was introduced to the concept of underlying beliefs and how they affect the therapeutic process. I was merely two sessions in when he leaned back in his chair, held my gaze and inquired if we were on a mission to fix what was wrong with me. My therapist told me who usually comes to therapy; it’s the child who didn’t manage to comply with the family rules and as a result became the scapegoat or the black sheep. The black sheep is blamed for the dysfunction in the family. The child creates the belief that if they could just make it right, or be right, everything would be ok. Fast forward, the child is a young adult who struggles to engage in healthy relationships which eventually brings them to therapy. My therapist would use the analogy of a horse. “You are coming to therapy on the horse given to you by their family.” The horse is the expectation created by your family. As the scapegoat, my horse was “there is something wrong with me and I’m in therapy to fix what’s wrong”. Your horse might be different. You might have multiple horses. The point is the existence of the horse. Imagine how many years I could have spent in therapy trying to fix myself if my therapist hadn’t brought the underlying belief to my awareness. Instead, our time together became about creating a more supportive relationship with myself.

One of the reasons why people spend decades in therapy and never truly gets better has to do with the therapists’ inability to bring awareness to the hidden beliefs. As a client, you can be going in circles for years. I’m not saying you won’t experience relief or a certain level of improvement, but the highest level of empowerment and resolve… It’s just not happening.

Then there is the practitioners’ beliefs. It’s interesting how therapists specialize in or favor certain methods like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Existential Therapy, Somatic Therapy etc., but they don’t know the deeper reason why. The therapist I was seeing who favored Cognitive Behavioral Therapy thought she could play intellectual checkers with my feelings. She thought she could intellectualize her way to what she perceived as “improvement”. She tried to combat my feelings of loneliness by bringing awareness to the fact that I had friends. To understand her approach, you have to look at her upbringing and what she was taught growing up. I think she had parents who failed to interact on an emotional level. She grew up not being seen or understood. She didn’t have parents who modeled emotional connection, that’s why she can’t create emotional connection as an adult. Her parents turned against her emotions -> she turned against her emotions -> she turned against my emotions. Her parents probably argued that she had no reason to feel lonely, after all she had friends, and thus she repeated the argument when encountering my loneliness. When I first started out, I operated from the message instilled in me by my parents. I believed I could “process” the feelings of my clients until there were no emotion left. My subconscious reasoning was: no emotion left -> you can accept anything -> you won’t cause conflict -> people will never leave you. After becoming aware of, and questioning, the belief I introduced new ones and tried them out until I found something that made sense to me.

1. You seek out therapy because deep down you think something is wrong with you. Your practitioner doesn’t see your underlying belief. They see someone who want to improve themselves. They want to help. They pick up every available tool from their toolbox to help you become the person you think you have to be in order to be loved. You pour time and energy into trying to make you someone you are not. You manage for a while before finding yourself even more depressed and exhausted than when you started. Plot twist: You still don’t feel loved.
   
   
2. You seek out therapy because deep down you think something is wrong with you. Your practitioner catches it. They address the belief. You realize you are in therapy to become a person your parents would accept. Self-hate is your deepest motivation for seeking help. You embark on a journey to understand how you learned to hate yourself. Everything you thought was true starts to crumble. Your life falls apart. Plot twist: You find acceptance for you who are and starts loving yourself.