Gunhild Archer, counselor

Discomfort is a highly potent place. I’m not talking about the discomfort you associate with the over-used phrase “Growth happens outside your comfort zone!” which, for many of us, makes us feel like we should take more risks or else we are lazy and complacent (not exactly highly regarded traits in today’s society aka good luck being an outsider). In therapy, if you ever notice the feeling of should, it is a sign to make a “full stop” and start to question. (The same can be said for life.) The discomfort I’m talking about is a kind of discomfort most of us haven’t experienced. It is a type of discomfort that makes you want to lean in. Facing the discomfort is something you want to do because the reward it will bring you serves you. Leaning in will feel like a loving thing to do for yourself.

I remember a class I took during the last year of my master; it was called “groups and conflict”. In that class I learned that conflict, if done right, has the potential to birth unbelievable results. Not just that, it is a necessary component for successfully achieving a desired outcome. The same can be said about discomfort. There is a quote by Martin Luther King Jr. that says: “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in the moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy”, indicating that your character is revealed in moments of diversity. I believe all of the above; conflict, discomfort, and challenge reveals what you are made of, but they also provide an opportunity to forge your character.

If you find yourself here, you are facing some kind of discomfort. That’s good! You have a chance to break through and into something better, and you are looking for expertise to help support you.

Learning how to handle discomfort and resistance is a big part of what you and your practitioner will work on. Working with a practitioner can, and in many cases should, work on two dimensions. You can work on discomfort as a peripheral phenomenon, meaning you will bring a situation or experience that brings discomfort to your practitioner which the practitioner will help you explore. If you are in therapy to undo relational damage, you can also work on discomfort in a very personal “here and now” kind of way. The “here and now” kind of way looks like being present to the discomfort that happens when you challenge old relationship narratives in the relationship to your practitioner. Imagine the difference in talking to your practitioner about the discomfort you felt when you were confronted by your boss versus feeling the discomfort as you tell your practitioner they have upset you.

Discomfort, described simply, occurs when something challenges your established and/or current understanding. Let me give you an example. Imagine you keep lining up with self-absorbed partners who never considers what you like. The situation is a source of discomfort. Remember, where there is discomfort there is also possibilities. In other words, the situation sucks but it offers a gift if you are willing to look deeper. Maybe one of the possibilities in the situation is to open up and talk to your partner about how you feel. If he wants to make it work; great. Imagine it doesn’t go well, and you are told to stop with the victim mentality, you find yourself in discomfort yet again, but you have yet new possibilities. Each time you choose to face discomfort you will be given new information which opens up new possibilities. As you go through this process, you are figuring out your truth. You learn what you want, what you don’t want, you learn how you feel about discomfort and what your usual responses are etc.

Some practitioners sees the gift inherent in resistance. They know it holds the key(s) to a more empowered and coherent life. They also know how to approach the discomfort in order to extract valuable information which they can then use to help you find a path forward. A lot of practitioners don’t understand the value inherent in the discomfort, they don’t have an adequate understanding of how to guide you through the process without further compounding the pain, or they lack the emotional capacity to stay with the discomfort. I remember working with a therapist who didn’t share my understanding of resistance. When I showed resistance she would label me as unworkable. She never invited me to put words on my experience and she never saw my resistance as valid. She ended up suggesting I was on the autism spectrum due to my unwillingness to take on her perspective.

No one is free from hardships and moments of wanting to give up. Discomfort is part of life. Many of us thinks something has gone wrong if we are experiencing discomfort. If you experience discomfort when working on a project it means the job is not for you, or that you are not going to succeed. If you experience discomfort with your partner, maybe you make it mean it’s not meant to be, that you don’t love them, or that you have to end the relationship. Going through resistance, discomfort, and conflict doesn’t mean something has gone wrong. There is no way to “get life right” in a way that eliminates resistance. What about the relationship with your practitioner, surely that should be a safe space free from resistance? Yes and no. As with every other relationship, the relationship with your practitioner will give rise to discomfort on a peripheral level and in the “here and now” kind of way. Your practitioner’s ability to receive you and show up for the discomfort is what makes the relationship safe. You are your own person which means you differ from other people. Being different means confluence can’t be a constant state. You will want something else than your partner from time to time, you will have negative feelings towards friends and family, you won’t agree with the way your colleague’s approach, AND your practitioner makes mistakes that might hurt you – no one is exempt. You will also experience negative feelings towards yourself, you will be in conflict with yourself, have resistance to certain traits…

An important question to ask yourself when choosing a practitioner is: Does my practitioner avoid discomfort, or do they offer a hand and invite me to lean in? If you, like me, believe discomfort is valid, that it shows up for a reason, and that it offers valuable information, you want to choose a practitioner who is confident in navigating those areas.


Learning to see the potential in the discomfort will lead to ownership which can lead to:

• Feeling more accepting towards yourself and others.
• Moving more confidently through life.
• Having more realistic expectations, fewer let-downs, and being better equipped to handle challenges.
• A more fulfilling life.
• High quality relationships.
• A firm inner knowing that you can handle whatever happens in a way that increases the connection and appreciation you have towards yourself.

A practitioner should be a safe person with whom you can explore uncomfortable situations, whether the person causing the discomfort is yourself, a partner or friend, or the practitioner itself. Accepting discomfort, maybe even assigning positive meaning to the discomfort, is one of the greater gifts you can give yourself. As your positive experiences with discomfort grows, you will shift from mentally understanding the potency of discomfort to a full body knowing. The latter will change your outlook on life completely.