Gunhild Archer, counselor

Every client is different, thus what we need will differ. We are born with different temperaments, into different families, we grow up in different cultures, and we go through different experiences. Why you want help from a practitioner will also differ. Are you looking to process childhood trauma or work on your business mindset? As a client, what benefits will be unique to you. You will most likely notice needing different approaches and tools at different times during your therapeutic journey. Starting therapy for the first time whether it’s in your early twenties or mid-fifties, is a vastly different experience compared to seeking therapy for the fourth or fifth time whether your previous attempts at healing left you with a negative impression or your previous attempts were successful, but your journey requires you to pace yourself. As you keep peeling back the layers and meet new aspects of yourself, meeting with different practitioners can serve your growth and healing.

We are quick to say, “Everyone is different”, but we don’t necessarily understand what it entails. When I say “Everyone is different” I mean: There is no one exactly like you. You need what you need and the best person to know what that is, is you. You will invest time, energy, and money into the process. Those are all important resources. When something demands that much, it is important to go for what serves you. Don’t waste time seeing a therapist you don’t look forward to seeing. Therapy will have you go to places you wish you never had to face, that’s hard enough as it is. What this means is that you have one important task to check off the list before diving into this work and that is to be honest with yourself. What do you value in someone who is tasked to help you uncover yourself? Knowing what you need will make it easier to find the right practitioner as well as evaluating if the ones you meet are correct. A friend of mine loves that the practitioner she works with mainly offers validation and doesn’t focus on peeling off the layers in order to gain awareness. She needs compassion and acceptance; those two qualities aids her healing. Another friend of mine loves deep and inquisitive questions. She feels seen and wanted when her practitioner asks clear and to-the-point questions to get a better understanding of what she is feeling. Personally, I think good therapy contains enjoyable elements (I like being able to laugh during a session) and elements which aids the healing of your specific wounds (I work best without an agenda; someone who keeps bringing me back to the present moment). A successful process is impactful and effective, and the effects are lasting. Don’t expect to know everything if you are seeking help for the first time, you will get an idea of what you like and don’t like as you go. The intention of this page is to make you aware that there are certain things you would benefit from being aware of. People who need therapy often have a negative relationship to authorities which means you need to be told that it’s normal and ok to not be a good fit with the first therapist, and that you can and should continue searching until you find one you like.

When looking for a practitioner an important thing to consider is their approach/methods and how that fits with where you are in your own process. My first therapist used Cognitive Behavioral Therapy combined with validation which was helpful. Having my beliefs pointed out and questioned, and to be offered alternative beliefs, was exactly what I needed. I went back to therapy a decade later and found myself with another Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (this one didn’t validate), and it completely rubbed me the wrong way. I was at a point in my journey where I needed someone to help me acknowledge, own, and accept my feelings, not someone who suggested that I wasn’t alone just because I felt like I was. I started to dread sessions and ended up quitting after a few months. I was lucky and got a new therapist who swore to Emotionally Focused Therapy (with a hint of Existential Therapy), which was a game changer. I was sold the minute he said: “I see you were referred from another therapist after not being able to work together. That must have been frustrating, maybe you even feel defeated giving it another go?”. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy Do a quick Google search. Have a look at the different types of approaches and choose something that feels right.

I believe practitioners adhere to methods that support their belief structure. You will not be able to build a supportive relationship to your feelings if your therapist is under the influence of their mom’s childhood message saying, “feelings makes you weak”. If the therapist hasn’t questioned their beliefs they will come through in the way they interact with you, and because it comes from an authority figure and an expert, you take it to heart and start living by it. It matters what your practitioner believes when it comes to feelings, relationships, sex, love, spirituality, life etc. It will either make you or break you. Being told, implicitly or explicitly, that your feelings show weaknesses will make you turn against them; you are now an enemy of your internal guiding system, and the conflict between you and your feelings will affect you. Being at war with yourself feels like tension, frustration, agitations and restlessness. All in all, it will make life worse, not better. If you find a good practitioner, they have questioned their beliefs and replaced those who caused unnecessary stress with beliefs that serves them. They have a holistic view and see the value in using different approaches at different times and will assess where you are and what you need. A skilled practitioner will, if they think it will help, tell you why they are using a certain approach. They will encourage you to tell them if they hurt or upset you and welcome it when you do.

Besides the therapeutic approach, every practitioner brings themselves, their individual values and traits, into the room. Their uniqueness will either serve your healing, or not. If you miss the experience of a tender, warm and loving mom, my colleague is a perfect fit. I, on the other hand, with my direct and empowering attitude, will rub you the wrong way. Choose a practitioner who embody qualities that will help your healing. Make a list of qualities you think will benefit you and why. In case you have a hard time knowing what you benefit from, write down a list of qualities that will make you enjoy the process. Here is my list:

• They enjoy Me/they enjoy working with me.
• They have an ability to truly see me (working with a projector for the first time was a game changer, I didn’t know what it meant to be seen until that day).
• They have a genuine desire to understand and validates my experience.
• Their ability to bring me back in connection with myself.
• They continuously refer me back to my truth and my authority/they look for what’s correct for me.