I don’t feel like doing the “gratitude-for-everything-I-have-learned-in-2020-gifts-and-amazement” thing. I did learn things that I would never be without, and I feel grateful for that. I’m ending the year with some really powerful gifts. But fuck… The cost. I’m still wondering if it was worth it. 2020 has been re-traumatizing. I had a hard time trusting people before and experiencing what I’ve gone through relationship wise the last year has made my distrust even stronger. Despite my fear, I leaned in. I have been brave going through 2020. My heart has open so wide it took me by surprise. And I was let down. Words were spoken and left hanging, promises were made and broken. I learned discernment on yet a new level. I also got acutely aware of the areas where I dishonest about my needs. Still… I didn’t want my wide-open heart to be walked away from. I didn’t want to lose those friendships. Being brave and leaning in, taking a leap of faith although it terrified me – I really wanted things to last. For once, I wanted it to last.
Being at the verge of a new year, I can’t shake the feeling that there is something I’m holding onto that I no longer want to keep. Something feels old and outdated. I don’t want to try so hard anymore. I want to let people be. I want to show up in authenticity only with people who can receive me. I want to commit and put my energy into only those whom I instantly feel are at my level; they want depth, have a desire to understand and get to know me… All of me. I desire to feel wanted. I want to feel like the most important thing is the connection we share. I want us to be present in each other’s emotional reality and to reconnect if we aren’t.
I want slower pace too. I tend to find myself in a rush to get things done – to arrive at a final destination. When I’m in that mindset, connecting feels like a chore and I’m not present for intimacy. Maybe intimacy isn’t my top priority in that moment, which is ok, but if it is… I want to create time.
I want to be clear about what I want at what time. That way I give myself the opportunity to fully absorb myself in whatever I’m doing. I want more of feeling absorbed and immersed – it feels good. If I have split needs, I will figure out how to get them both in a way that leaves me feeling fulfilled.
I want to fully trust my “knowing” or “perceiving”. It’s ironic how I recently asked to fully step into, and to powerfully own, my abilities to perceive, yet I find myself second guessing my perception. It doesn’t really work too well when my intention is to live in accordance to how I feel. I don’t want to be like “He doesn’t make me feel the way I want to feel, but it’s probably just me being too sensitive and I’m probably projecting onto him as well, I’ll give him a chance (which, before I know it, has turned into one hundred chances). For the first time in my life, I feel like I’m done playing that game. I know what I want, and I know how to recognize it. There is only one thing left to do, and that is to trust myself and act accordingly.
Thinking about taking action without giving multiple chances or because “something doesn’t feel right” brings up resistance. It feels like an invisible force is holding me back. I judge my behavior harshly. “I’ll be seen as a dick”, is the first to pop up. I fear I will be seen as a know-it-all, someone who thinks so highly of herself that she can’t accept other people’s flaws. I fear people will label me as pretentious. It makes sense that this is my internal narrative, I was on the receiving end of this attitude growing up. I made people will feel naked and vulnerable, which caused them to feel shame. Of course, they distanced themselves, and of course I expect similar reactions if I were to start following my perception once again. There is also a fear of being overly confident, missing out on important information, and thus make a decision that will give me blowback… If or when that happens, I imagine people will feast on my downfall as that makes them feel less inferior. Quite an unpleasant position to be in, to be shamed and humiliated for trusting my inner guidance – my truth, and to have it not pan out. Understanding, compassion, and comfort would have been better. Being told “You’re allowed to make mistakes. Sometimes things don’t work out even though you followed your truth” and be given explanations as to why it didn’t work on out, that would have hindered me from turn against my knowing. Which didn’t happen, but here I am, taking it back. Finding it. Reclaiming it. Living it.
This year… I have read post after post on social media, all filled with gratitude. It makes me feel weird. I mean, if I had to go through the situations, I have gone through to learn the lessons I have learned – ok. I wouldn’t be without the lessons; they are immensely valuable and will benefit me greatly for the rest of my life. I also wish I didn’t have to go through the amount of pain I went through last year. I don’t want my life lessons to be birthed from this level of pain, not anymore.
Gunhild Archer, MD in Psychology and Counseling 