Gunhild Archer, MD in Psychology and Counseling

I find myself in a heavy mood. Somber, with a faceless expression. There is absence of smiles. My worry free, light feelings seem a lifetime ago.

I catch myself wishing I was happy, but more than that, feeling like I should be happy. I have so many tools to shift how I feel, I should utilize them.

I spent my entire childhood with a mom who wanted me to change my feelings. I spent my entire adult life acting like my mom, so even more pressure to change how I feel. Then, I entered the spiritual community, with the impression that they wanted me to feel, but they are no better than my mom.

I’m still in the process of becoming aware of all the subtle ways I’m being conditionally present with how I feel. How I’m showing up with the intention of making me feel different.

I often catch myself trying to line up my feelings with something outside myself. If I can just feel this way inside, the outside will respond accordingly. And I mean, I see the message e v e r y w h e r e !

I’m never invited back to my core. It’s never a question of where I’m at, and what I (!) feel is in integrity from that place.

Instead, it’s a strange mix of “process anger to act from compassion”, “dress up to feel confident”, and “price your services beyond measure to tell the universe you’re worthy”. Oh, or “let go of needing a man, be your own masculine”, and my favorite “let your resentment flow through you to access 5D”. I can keep going for hours. Who decided that 5D is the shit anyway?

The spiritual community has led me astray time and time again. So rarely do I come across someone who invites me back to my truth, and with basis in that truth, asks what the correct choice is for me.

I think the biggest point of power is to haul your ass back home, to let yourself

be

present

with

what

you

feel,

and to ask the question: “What you want to do from here?”. That’s power. That’s real change, from the inside and out. Like the big bang. The nucleus exploded and created a universe, it created outwards from the core. Boom.