With which words would you describe your relationship with yourself? Do you feel confident when it comes to changing undesirable circumstances like saying no to attending the upcoming family event, tell your supervisor that you deserve to be first in line for the upcoming bonus, or expressing your desire for more openness to your partner? How do you talk to yourself when you don’t pass your exam or fail to do the planned number of reps on your squats? Do you let yourself have that extra slice of cake without feeling guilty or adding an extra 30 minutes to your cardio the next day?
The relationship you have with yourself matters. How you talk to yourself matters. How you see yourself matters. How you feel in your own skin matters. Just like a foundation stone in a house, your relationship with yourself sets up the quality of your life.
One of my strengths is just that, to help you improve your relationship with yourself.
I can help you speak to yourself with kind words.
I can help you value your feelings.
I can help you support yourself during stressful situations.
I can help you stand up and fight back when you face loss.
Your relationship with yourself affects areas of your life that might surprise you: The fulfillment you feel in friendships, how you are treated in your romantic relationship (if you are dating; the quality of the dating experience), the joy you experience at work, whether you are in touch with your purpose, your sense of gratitude for the mundane aspects of life etc. Although the importance of those things can’t be downplayed, what I think is even more important is the way you feel about yourself and how you carry yourself. Are you embodying your natural character? Do you love your confidence, boldness, forwardmovingness, tenaciousness, peacefulness, lightheartedness, sadness, shyness, rage, your vulnerability, the desire to feel wanted and loved etc?
Most people believe the persona they experience on a daily basis represents who they truly are, they describe their relationship with themselves as good, and they feel like they have a deep bond with their friends and partner. Although there is truth (and a lot of nuances) to that, what I have seen after working with people for 10 years, is that people act as the character they think will increase the likelihood of receiving positive affection and recognition, and most people have no idea what connection feels like.
Look at the infinity symbol. The middle point of the symbol, a space of clarity and open-minded awareness. In that space you have access to free will; You can make conscious decisions. Most people have never had this experience. If you haven’t had the experience, you have two options: (1) remain inexperienced, or (2) ask someone to help you get the experience. Personally, I keep being pulled out of the open-mindedness. I imagine you will experience something similar. At this point you enter the practice of bringing yourself back. It takes effort but my belief is that it is worth it. You will feel more at ease in the space of clarity and open-mindedness. I want for you.
Look at the right side of the symbol. That’s everything physical, it’s your external reality. It’s your living room, trees and the sun, your workplace, your friends, partner, parents, the library, random people you encounter throughout life, situations you encounter etc. How do you act in your environment? Through what lens do you see your partner? How do you feel about the situations you experience? How often do you make conscious decisions about how to react and how often do you “just act”?
The left side, that’s your internal reality. It’s how you feel, the thoughts that go through your mind, bodily sensations, pain, or pleasure… It’s your mindset, your moods, your patterns, your phases, and seasons. What relationship do you have to your thoughts, feelings, and your mindset? If you paid attention to the first reaction you had when experiencing an emotion, what would you find? Personally, I would tell myself to not feel the way I do.
What I keep seeing is a tendency for the left side to bleed into the aware self, making people act from old patterns and outdated beliefs. Most people aren’t acting from a place of free will. Imagine putting on glasses that filters your reality. Let’s say the glasses remove negative experiences; You can only see what is positive and feel-good. That’s not an accurate representation of reality. Nor if the glasses removed the positive and you were left only seeing negative situations. Or a third filter: The glasses place judgement on people who exhibit certain traits. I think most people will agree that it’s beneficial to not leave out information when making decisions.
When your internal reality bleeds into the open-mindedness, you are no longer open minded. Whatever bled into your open-mindedness affects the way you interact with your friends, the situations you encounter etc. The feedback you get from your physical reality informs your internal reality. It will either enforce your feelings or soften them. Imagine acting in a hurtful way toward your friends. You will get a different response than if you act respectfully. Similarly, if you interact with situations based on a limited amount of information (imagine ignoring red flags), shit might blow up in your face.
Working with me means becoming aware of when your open-mindedness is no longer open-minded. We explore what has come into your aware self, and I help you create a friendly and beneficial relationship with what is there.
Gunhild Archer, MD in Psychology and Counseling 