I recently discovered two things that relates to how I use social media. Realization #1 was that I want people to agree with my way of seeing things. I didn’t know, but a part of me wants people to see, not only what people have done, or are doing, but how they led to the feelings and reactions I have experienced (and are still experiencing). It’s not about validation in the sense of “what happened to you was really painful”, but about my truth and experience to be acknowledged in the sense of “yes, that happened”. Realization #2 was that I feel like I’m trying to make people understand how they can find their truth from the same place I tried to get my parents to see the truth. I’m not offering my experience or what I see as that – an offering, I share with an underlying energy of superiority, bitterness, pressure, and judgement.
I have done so much work when it comes to why and what I share on social media. A part of me wants to be done already. I want to be able to share without weighing my words, trying to manage how it will be perceived, coming from an aware and empowered place etc. I want to write with confidence and ease, instead of feeling like a shameful imposter.
That’s what I want, but it’s not where I’m at.
Reality is, remnants from my childhood is often running in the background, sometimes it’s running the whole damn show. After discovering the two last layers, I have been thinking about how much I’m still affected by my upbringing. I know healing takes time, but I also think it’s crazy how much work I have done, and my past is still embedded in every nook and cranny of what I do. What I was taught as a child still acts as filter for how I see and feel about myself sharing, and how I engage with you when I write. I feel like there’s a whole other way of being I could experience, and I have glimpses, but most of the time it’s out of my reach. I tend to write from a place of believing my message is important, and that I would write even if I never reached anyone. In the crosspoint of conscious and unconscious, is the feeling of putting my faith in something beyond my control, type “if I’m in alignment, coming from the right place, and has written in an inviting energy, the universe will make it so that I reach people”. Then there’s the unconscious beliefs that deep down make me feel like my voice is not important, that I have to fight to make people interested, I have to convince them that my perspective will help, and that the message I’m trying to get across is important.
I have known for a while (a good while to be honest) that I project my family onto social media. It was ok, I knew I would get a chance to clean up some of the projections as I kept being active on here, and during the years I have worked on a fair share of projections. Although on some level I wish I was done, I don’t feel discouraged by being back in another projection. I know I will feel better when I take this opportunity to get even more clarity. Thankfully I’m also less disillusioned about how long it will take to clean these things, which helps.
I like that I can now see the belief that says “I have to make people understand that they need to see their own truth”. No wonder I felt resistant when writing posts. It doesn’t feel good when I believe I have to make people understand, just like I had to make my parents understand. Subconsciously, I transferred my parents’ refusal and unwillingness to see themselves, and their truth, onto the people I imagined would read my posts.
There were certain feelings that accompanied the belief that I had to make people see their truth. I was trying to make my parents see their truth, and my truth, for most of my life, an absence of reactions and feelings would have been weird. Throughout the years, I accumulated resentment, created a sense of superiority and judgement, and started to feel jaded. Those feelings tend to activate when I meet people who refuse to become aware of themselves their behavior, even more so if the said people are hurting those around them, but maybe the feeling is also there when I write social media posts.
Maybe I make people feel inadequate or like they aren’t doing it right. I think I have felt bitter about people not using my content to learn and/or become people who live a life they genuinely want to live. I have been frustrated when people complain about being miserable, but don’t take advantage of my sessions and courses, even when they are massively discounted.
I don’t want people to feel like I’m righteous or that I know better than them. I have someone like that among my Facebook friends, and I don’t like how their posts make me feel. I feel like they are “right”, and that they know better than me how I should live.
The people I actively follow function as examples when it comes to carving one’s own way. They are transparent about their experiences, and how they deal with situations that come their way. I enjoy who they are, their humor, and their expression. I want people to have a similar relationship to me and my posts, I want what I’m sharing, or how I share, to give people something. I too want to be honest about my process, and for that to act as a permission slip for others who want to live in their truth. I want the way I share my process to give people an idea of how they can go about theirs.
I have never felt fully comfortable with the premise of social media: Writing TO someone, but you don’t know who that SOMEONE is. It’s weird. The only way I feel comfortable speaking to someone is if that person is standing in front of me and I can read them. I need to know where they are in order to adjust what I want to say or how I want to say it. I wish I felt comfortable, but I don’t know how.
Gunhild Archer, MD in Psychology and Counseling 