The big figure is who you are. YOU. Most people call themselves by their name. If you ask someone who they are, that’s probably the first thing they will share. If you ask people to explain what they are – what WE (as humans) are, their answers will look different. We describe what we are in terms of having an identity, personality, character traits and values. If you turn to psychology, you will find terms like Self, the Aware Self, the Mature Self, Center Self, the Observer and Consciousness. In spiritual circles the term “avatar” is often used to describe that you are a soul who temporarily visits the body you inhabit. Different explanations based on being alive in different cultures, at different times in history, having different upbringings and levels of awareness etc.
The small stick figures are parts. That’s how I explain what we are. Parts are people within YOU. You can see yourself as a personality structure that consists of awareness (which can and (hopefully) will change throughout your life) + inherent inclinations, temperaments and values… I might add things that are pre-written to be part of your life/story… With that as a base, you will react to what you’re experiencing by creating an internal personality structure that helps you handle what you’re going through – you create parts or personas. Parts are created to handle a specific task; they have their own character and are often fixed in the way they see things.
People often criticize themselves when they act cold, mean or critical. The defensive parts are often responsible for being cold, mean and critical. They learned to act that way to help you handle what you were going through at the time the parts were created (they were created TO help you handle what you were going through). If you criticize the way you act when you are cold, mean and critical it means a few things:
1) You are criticizing yourself. Imagine cloning yourself and the clone is acting cold. Pointing fingers instead of wanting to understand creates a lonely and judgmental environment. If YOU were acting cold, you would have a reason. Would you want someone to point fingers at you or understand you?
2) You don’t understand why the part of you is acting cold, mean and critical. If you understood you would be less likely to judge. Understanding tends to be followed by a softening. At least I can speak for myself. The moment I understand why someone did what they did, I tend to feel an increase in openness. It doesn’t mean I like what they did, but I understand.
3) You feel like being a certain way will make people accept or like you. Being cold, mean and critical is not it. Being cold, mean and critical was the best way to stay safe at the time the parts were created. It doesn’t mean those parts were welcomed. Probably on the contrary. People around you most likely gave you indications that it was not the kind of behavior they preferred. When you experience people turning against your reactions, you in turn learn to turn against your reactions. If I could give your system a voice it would say: “I have to be cold, mean and critical to stay safe, but no one like when I’m cold, mean and critical so now I don’t like how I act, but if I stop, I won’t be safe”. The way to become free is through understanding the system.
Gunhild Archer, MD in Psychology and Counseling 