Gunhild Archer, MD in Psychology and Counseling

One thing I have thought about lately is responsibility and I had a new realization. Or, it’s rather a new level of embodiment or knowing.

I’m responsible for myself. Fully. In every situation. No limits.

And I mean that in a good way – empowering. The realization feels like a combination of “I’m coming home” and “I’m allowed to be my own person; it’s not up to anyone else to decide who I am, what I feel, or what I want”. Being responsible for myself is not the death sentence it used to be when I first started going to therapy. Back then, responsibility meant doing things I didn’t want to do, with the underlying belief that if I didn’t and the relationship ended, it would be my fault. Whereas now, responsibility feels like a gift. Responsibility means getting to know what my truth is and taking that to heart. It means truly acknowledging that “this is what I feel and who I am” and taking an unwavering stance next to my truth. Every choice I make is in favour of HER, the young girl I used to be. SHE is my truth.

I’m allowed to feel what I feel. I know I have been talking about accepting my feelings for years, but as you can tell, I’m still reaching new levels of acceptance.

I don’t have to make myself feel different or better. I don’t have to be more understanding, accepting, graceful, compassionate or forgiving. Until I had my latest “I can be who I am”-realization, I felt like I could feel the way I felt, but I shouldn’t act on it. I shouldn’t burden others with it or expect people to do anything differently to make me feel better.

I realize now, that I don’t have to act separately from how I feel. I can accept the feeling I have inside AND let it be known. I can also let it direct how I show up.

To be honest, it feels revolutionary. I AM ALLOWED TO HAVE AN ACTUAL RESPONSE WHEN I FEEL SOMETHING. I don’t HAVE TO have a response, but I also CAN have one.

Everyone talks about how actions have consequences like it’s a given: “Of course, actions have consequences.” In my relationships I have always tried to spare people from consequences. I thought if I gave people consequences, they would see me as a horrible and mean person who didn’t love them. In my world, loving someone meant tolerate, understand, accept and even approve the way they behaved. If I made them feel bad for what they did I was the one at fault as I clearly wasn’t able to love them unconditionally.

If I turn the situation around and asked myself: What if I was the one who didn’t keep my word, would I understand that my friend was hurt? Of course. I would be the first to take the blame for what happened. My mistake means I get to take the consequence. I realize the applies when the situation is reversed and I’M the one who’s been wronged. Just as other people are allowed to dislike being hurt or wronged, I’m too.

If someone does something that makes me feel hurt, angry, or upset, I might not want to talk to them. I tend to not like that, it’s a consequence that hurts ME. Maybe it sounds weird, but it has been hard to accept that people can hurt me. It sucks that someone can do something that hurts, damages, or breaks the relationship. Of course, the pain might pass and repair might be made, but that’s not what this post is about. The post is about realizing that I’m allowed to be affected in the first place. I don’t have to deny and supress my reaction.

It’s a stark contrast to what I’m used to. When I was hurt, I used to believe I had to continue acting as if everything was fine. I believed everything was my fault. I became a master at waging war against the parts of me who weren’t ok. Turning against myself is my baseline way of reacting to anything that comes up internally and it happens 100% of the times.

I have been sitting with that the last weeks, how many times during a week I DON’T choose in favour of myself. It’s hard to take in.

Something that has become increasingly more clear is that it’s different choosing something I LIKE AND WANT versus something that helps me AVOID something I DON’T WANT. I don’t choose things I want; I choose whatever minimizes the reactions of those around me. Or steer me away from my internal pain. I will share an example: There are moments I feel alone and think I want company. I reach for company to avoid an internal (and painful) loneliness. The loneliness needs deep and genuine presence. If my friends could offer that, it would make sense to reach for them, but they can’t and I know that. I reach for them because if I didn’t, I would have to sit with the feeling.